If I… 

If I had no purpose, I could not know what I wanted. Thwarted I would focus only upon survival.  

Forgetting my unique value 

If I had no voice, I could not ask for what I wanted. The voice that could not come – silenced so long ago as dangerous. 

Forgetting that my expression is my birthright and my sight aligns the universe 

If I didn’t believe I was worthy or asking, my silence would confirm my isolation and lack of resources. A learned mistrust of I cannot depend on anyone. And I will be tired and alone.

Forgetting I am supported by community, by the earth, moon and stars that provides for all that is.

If I didn’t remember that I was here for a unique purpose, I would think I had no value. A hollow 9-5 existence.

Forgetting how to receive, value my offering and be in service with all that is.

If I didn’t have practice of honing the skills necessary to hold my value – accounting, connecting, speaking… I would believe that a purposeful life was a fantasy and blame the gods and all around me for punishing me. When the inspiration comes, I would struggle to hold even the thought of it as true and believe it was someone else rather than me.  

Forgetting that I am being honed, and that skills long forgotten take time. And, even then along the way I am cared for.

If I didn’t have the community to ask and support me, to feed me and love me as I learned, I would be certain that I was alone and dying slowly. Thinking I’m a burden, I could not ask and starve in silence.

Forgetting that I am a pleasure deserving of love.

I thought I was better off alone I would miss the magic of understanding other people, their perspectives and lessons I would miss the feeling of my heart breaking again and again disappointed, longing, and satiated nourished. All of it is true.

Breaking the spells of despair

If I believed that every unpaid bill was a confirmation of my condemnation, I would get stuck and never see, never know, never trust or even hear the guidance always leading me home. The crushing unworthiness of not having enough and not knowing how can break the soul again and again. Blind to any help, or possibility. This can be like and feel like a jail cell. Tell you all signs it presents are true. It’s grip like a fist hold your master.

If I didn’t have the nourishment for my body I wouldn’t have the power to move or think clearly. Food is foundational…

If I didn’t have the movement, I’d forget my power. Constriction in my body slows the flow.

 If I didn’t have patience with myself as I learned and made these didn’ts do’s, I freeze and frustration believing none of it was true. It’s too hard, I’d say and takes too long, never noticing the progress made or the opportunities right before my eyes just waiting.

If I didn’t have connection with my life force through sex and movement, dance and play – to run hard and love my aliveness,

I’d feel it a burden and the whisper of its possibility would bring so much weight from my regret that I would call it a lie to survive - never to be seen, but in glimpses and in dreams.

If I didn’t have a song, I would forget the sweetness of my soul’s beauty, never to trust or know the possibilities of this time.

And so, I pray to know

My value, my purpose, my voice – with patience. To hone these skills. To accept a loving community to care for body and know its power. To believe even in contraction and surrender that infinite possibility is here and that I will slough off these haunting ghosts and live again. 

And break the spells of despair.

Write on what comes up for you.