“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I used to think of that line in a guilt-like, should kind of way. I knew deep down that I was a bright light if only I was not so afraid, more motivated, more….

Last week it came to me like a revelation - a different perception of these words. Places where my nervousness created freeze - money, conflict or disagreement or abandonment would knock me out. Those were some of my deepest fears. And, the slow turning toward them allowed me an understanding of myself the real truth of myself beyond the stories of fear frozen within me.

As I went into this for myself, the land here, strong, bountiful and wide is juxtaposed by collective carrying my personal fear patterns, same time acknowledgement of a great divinity is wound into every thank you, every ma’am, every loving eye gaze, every knowing word. There is a weaving, a changing, a growing. There was never a throw-away of anything to happen. It was instead a weaving of pieces of things.

There in the center of myself – is me.

There in the center.

I am not my critique of someone else’s work

I am not the jealous grabby spin of “I could have done it better.”

I am not the punishing failure of doing it wrong.

Nor the casing of pain and expectation of pain from life’s traumas

Or even the one unworthy of good things happening.

When I can reach back and remember. When I can be with the pain of the mis-wired beliefs of old and really see them from the source, unwind them, I find the center. And in the depth of that place, there begins the sprout of growth to what really is.

As I studied more about self, about orgasmic meditation, about belief patterns – and with a nudge from my coach at the time, I let the restraints go. It was just so freeing. To let all of the counting and measuring and most of all the worrying- go! The part of me that always had an eye on me – I let that part go and began a journey into allowing Me the deeper me to guide me.

Do I like crawfish because I like them – or because they root so deeply into good family times and experiences? And conversely, do I hate jogging or is it wrapped in some idea of toil that I don’t actually feel when I do it? These explorations bring me into not only a closer knowing of myself, but also better care and alignment so that when I am faced with situations that are confronting, I can trust me.

I realized today that I’ve been giving a lot of energy to a voice that worries – a lot. About this and that, that remembers what didn’t go well the last time. That is keeping score, calculating and playing it safe. This whole time, I’ve thought that that voice was me, but I realized today that that voice is a script I play. It’s an unhealed part of me that is remembering what was rather than what is.

There was a time in my life when what I was told was the truth and now the truth is about something entirely different. It is a feeling of deep knowing within me, that I often find through trial and error as I learn from within more about my inner knowing.

Do I say yes or do I say no?

This compass is important to me because it guides me beyond the constructs into a deeper, more nourishing, more connected place. Not to safety or security – but a feeling of aliveness and a joy with life. Not perfection – but a deep beingness that is messy and engaged and beautiful.

Who would I be? If I understood all that I am meant - my name, my purpose, my song

How would I move, if I knew that I was a gift?

To whom would I speak if I understood I was a community weaver and leader?

How would I smell if I reclaimed my wildness?

What could I see if I was guided by a spiritual connection?

How would life taste standing on the shoulders of the knowing ancestors that come before me?

Reclaim the indigenous woman, the wise woman within.

Bloom. Warm beauty unbridled. Bloom. Soil. Wind. Rain. Bounty. Bend. Stretch. Grow Anew. In remembrance of ME. Gathered together by a truth so potent I could ONLY be grateful. Not inspite of, simply because of. It is truth. Warm & True. Pruned & Grown to life. ALIVE. An divinity of experience. Beyond and with humanity. It is for ME. With ME. of ME. Bloom Truth away. Bloom Truth.... And all else Falls. Away. Bloom. Truth. And all Else.... Bloom. Truth. A Way.... The stretch into knowing falls away. The carcass of old. Bloom. Truth. A. Way. DARE Dare to reach for the Sun & thrive with life, with soul's purpose. Dare to know who you are & dive within. Dare into the dark never to be unknown circle of wisdom only obtained because someone dared to look and love the places No one Could or Should or Whould - and Bloom Truth A Way. Dive and Thrive and Be ALIVE. BLOOM. TRUTH. A. WAY.

There’s a relationship with life, a true connection I get to learn from here - real life is brewing, where I learn who I am from life and open to myself as woman, as me. I get to enjoy the slow, richness truth and grow in my relationship with life - as my teacher or me rather than a haunting inevitability.

Who is the you underneath?

Unwinding the ideas that limit and say even if only energetically that there is a reason to filter, conform, be small, and so I begin to allow the deep, rich, knowing within me to blossom.

The truth of full expression is beauty.

This is an important turn.

There is something magical about pausing to reflect on life.

And, since just before the solstice I have done just that – taken in the bounty of this last year of days. I like the solstice because it feels to me like the natural completion of one cycle moving into the next and the feeling, the energy of that deep darkness is so potent, especially as the magic of the holidays moves its alchemy through – however it brings.

Shoe boxes full of pink and blue plastic curlers.

Clearing away. Into red-tied white kitchen garbage bags, they enter completing their time here.

I remember the feeling of them hard against my own head even though these are not mine.

At the threshold, when the depths of pain are grieved and my knowing says choose more now, I feel the fear of my brilliance – my resentment for it. The pain it’s caused. The imprint of the pain that once happened when I was revealed? Same time, a grieving for a life lived less than - the times I said “no” before thinking I was less or safer because that seemed true. Accepting that that is where I was truthfully. Seeing my life with understanding. And also, that this is where I am now – having created foundation and support. A woman. And the true choice this time is different – because it is Me.